Buffy Fashion Roulette: “Wrecked”
Oh, joy. Today’s Buffy Fashion Roulette episode is a fashion recap of one of the most After School Special-y episodes of all, “Wrecked”. It’s so cautionary of a tale that you might even call it a “very special episode”, minus the neatly wrapped ending that the most very special of television episodes usually receive. I won’t lie, kids. “Wrecked” is one of my least favorite Buffy episodes of all time. It’s heavy-handed. The magic-as-addiction metaphor is ridiculous, bordering on corny. The “drug” montages are laughable at best. And Rack, the magic pusher who gets Willow hooked on the dark stuff? He’s a dead ringer for Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler.
Our results from “Faith, Hope & Trick” are officially set in stone. Cordelia and Willow both had good showings, garnering 23% and 18% of the votes, respectively. But it was runway-ready Mr. Trick who stole the show with a very solid 32.5% of the vote, showing that the BFR faithful have a great respect for impeccable tailoring and designer menswear.
On the losing end, Xander (with his nasty mudflap girl shirt) and Oz (with his Phish concert-anti chic) tied for third with 8% of votes each, which isn’t so damning for either of them. Scott Hope? More like Scott Nope, with 16.5% of “no” votes. But it was Faith who truly disgusted you the most, garnering a staggering 54% of all votes cast.
Now, onto “Wrecked”. Previously on Buffy, ALL KINDS OF HORRIBLE SHIT HAPPENED. Willow did mean magic on people with Amy after Tara left her, Giles peaced out of Sunnydale, and Buffy had self-hating sex with Spike until the abandoned house they were doing it in crashed all around them.
As we open the episode, Tara and Dawn are waking up on the couch. It’s morning, which to them means that nobody came home last night. Uh, Tara? Willow’s on the rebound. She could’ve just been sneaking a hottie upstairs. Don’t flatter yourself so much. But in fact when Tara and Dawn check Buffy’s and Willow’s bedrooms to investigate the situation, it’s true: they’re both still out in the big, bad world somewhere.
Dawn’s outfit is relatively cute: a glittery butterfly shirt, nice jeans and a sweater over it all. You know, we’re pretty harsh on Dawn and all, but she dresses a lot better than any of the Class Of 99′ers did in their day. Tara is wearing that ugly sweater bathrobe that I freaking despise, along with a slightly mismatched brown sweater and brown pair of pants beneath it. Is this what the Buffy wardrobe department thinks that lesbians wear when processing their way a breakup? Yuck.
At the abandoned building, Buffy wakes up and is like, Oh Shit, What Did I Do. There’s really no excuse for her behavior. She wasn’t even drunk. She doesn’t fare well in her attempt to run off all indignantly, either. She goes right back for some smoochies.
I like this outfit, when she’s wearing it and all. I’m surprised that she took such care not to rip holes in it or to pop any of her buttons, seeing as how the house was a rockin’ so hard.
Spike, meanwhile, is naked and gloating. Srsly, there’s nothing more humiliating then when someone is naked and gloating. It’s pretty demoralizing. He looks like a cat who caught a salamander and is holding it in his teeth while it’s squirming around and begging for mercy.
We do get one quick glance at his Hurt Face, when Buffy throws some shade his way.
But then he goes right back to gloating. I can’t really fault him for that.
Buffy made a pretty great Accidental Sex Underwear Decision (ooh, but maybe it wasn’t accidental!). No granny panties or period stains for this slayer! When looking at Naked Spike here, I am thinking, what is up with all of this cheesy pawn shop jewelry? We can only see a small fraction of his body, but we can identify three pieces of jewelry. Whaaa? Since when did Spike dress like an extra on The Sopranos? All of his jewelry is silver or platinum (or God, maybe even white gold), and just from this angle we can see he’s wearing three pieces: a necklace (or, as the kids are calling it, “a chain”), a tacky bracelet, and a thumb ring. Maybe Spike has a burgeoning rap career on the side? Either way, after rewatching this scene I am seriously disturbed by how many squealing Buffy/Spike relationship fans were squealing about how cute this scene was. There’s nothing sadder when people mistake moments of succumbing to self-hatred for true love.
Back at the Summers abode, Tara is totally jealous of Willow coming home at the crack of dawn with another lady, even if said lady was a rat less than 24 hours ago.
Although the style is truly dated, Willow’s hair color is AMAZING. I love, envy and cherish it. The coat? Not so much. What’s up with all the suede points? It looks like something that a jester would wear. YUCK. Amy is even worse off. Baby poo-colored pants (maybe she stole them from Tara when her back was turned?), a braided leather belt with a giant buckle, weird criss-crossed cutout sleeves… what is going on here? I guess I can’t knock her too hard, though: she did spend three years stuck in a rat cage, primarily observing the fashion of one Willow Rosenberg.
Tara gets mad about Willow’s burgeoning magic addiction (or gal pal, can’t tell which) and stomps away, almost knocking Buffy over in the process. It’s hard to make a stomp-off look dignified when you’re wearing a knitted bathrobe, though.
Here’s a much more hilarious look at Amy’s cutout sleeves.
Later at the Magic Box, Anya and Xander are investigating the whole diamond freeze-ray thing that Warren, Jonathan and Andrew pulled off in the previous episode. They aren’t having much luck, as there is no magical precedent for this. (Who woulda thunk it?!) They’re also having a hard time with the research because Anya stuck a bridal magazine in her research book and is reading that instead.
Xander is, y’know, typical, dependably boring-looking Xander. I can deal with that any day. Anya’s ensemble presents a much more challenging assessment. Here is a closer look, complete with lovely Emma Caufield doe eyes.
Her hair color does not sit well with me. I feel that it is a a few shades too blonde, and washes her out a bit. Her makeup looks perfectly alright, but does not compensate for the washed-outness that her hair has wreaked on her face. As far as her outfit goes, I cannot pick a team. Yes, the shirt is very “Anya”. But is a tight boatneck top covered in varying sizes of polka dots a good look on anyone? The lone aspect of her ensemble that I can fully get behind is her jewelry. Her matching brooch and earrings are to diiiiie foooor.
Buffy is suffering from a lack of sleep, but she still looks alright. She balks at Anya’s “traditional burlap with blood larvae” bridesmaid dress dilemma, which is a shame. That would have made for some Buffy Fashion Roulette magic.
Buffy looks like a modern-day Daisy Buchanan here, sleep deprivation and everything. I’m fully behind it.
Later that night Amy and Willow go on a hunt for Rack’s place. At first glance their outfits don’t look hideously awful, just average awful. This is probably because they are wearing a jacket and a coat, respectively.
They find Rack’s creepy magical meth lab, where he will take them to The Other Side. They’ll be Livin’ On The Edge. They’ll go Crazy. (Heh heh. Heh heh heh.)
I can’t decide if ol’ Rack/Steve gets the BFR exemption. He lives in a magical meth lab and all; it’s probably not terribly easy to shop for clothes when you’re constantly on the run from The Law. He kind of dresses like a medieval serf, which is weird. Nevertheless, you’d think he could take a magical bath or something.
The horror of both Amy’s and Willow’s outfits is revealed once they take their coats off. I mean, yeah, their magical drug dependence is revealed as well. Both their clothes and their witchy acid trips are pretty hilarious, which I can get behind.
Amy trips balls in a denim dress that appears to have been created from a repurposed pair of jeans. I can tell this because there’s a weird zigzag at the waist. As far as the fit goes, it doesn’t look terrible on her. But come on, dude. It’s a denim minidress with a fabric triangle at the bottom.
Does Rack say that Willow tastes like strawberries because she’s a redhead? If so, I call Ginger Discrimination, from one ginger to another (ed. note: betcha didn’t know I’m a ginge). Anyways, she’s hanging out on the ceiling with, as is per the usual in season six, something that laces up the front. Gross. Also gross is the fact that it’s not just her body that’s defying gravity- her hair and clothing are sticking to the ceiling as well. I call bullshit (or maybe I call budgetary discretion?).
I hate that whole scene where she sees something trippy and crashes to the floor. I mean, how literal do these drugs/magic analogies have to be?
The next morning Willow cries in the shower and tries to sleep it off. I would feel really sad about watching this scene if it wasn’t so corny, and if she wasn’t trying to sleep off a ham-fistedly executed magical pseudo-drug trip. Anyways, Willow comes across a box of clothes marked “TARA”, makes them magically levitate out of the box and onto the bed, inflates them and cuddles in their lap.
I prefer to think that Tara left these clothes behind on purpose, because they are uuuugly.
Later that night Willow heads downstairs, where Dawn is making peanut butter-and-banana quesadillas. (This actually sounds kind of delicious to me.) You may look at this photo and think, “Dawn has weird sleeves.”
Then Willow goes to open the fridge, and you immediately forget about Dawn’s weird sleeves because you notice that Willow has freaking rayon cobwebs hanging from her wrists.
Willow offers to take Dawn out for burgers and a movie. Buffy comes home, hears some funny noises and feels like something is amiss. She’s right. Amy has broken into the house, and she’s upstairs stealing!…. sage. She’s stealing sage. Apparently she’s really hungover, because she almost hurls when Buffy throws her up against the wall and starts freaking out, yelling, “breaking into someone’s house for kitchen spices? No, i don’t think so!” Yeah, I don’t think so either. Why wouldn’t Amy just head on down to the Piggly Wiggly and buy some sage in the baking aisle? For that matter, why wouldn’t she just shoplift from the Magic Box? Lord knows nobody who hangs out there pays any attention to what’s going on in the shop. Anya’s reading bridal magazines, Willow’s sniffing fat lines of majick, Xander’s panicking about getting married… for that matter, why the hell didn’t Amy just ask Dawn to steal some sage for her? Dawn’s good at stealing. A regular Oliver Twist, that one.
Amy looks like hell, of course. It’s Bad Hangover Day; we’re lucky Crocs weren’t around when this episode was filmed. Buffy looks kind of weird. What’s up with the braided pigtails and the black turtleneck? Is she attempting to make up for her sexual indiscretions by appearing extra priggish today?
Willow is wearing the weird jester jacket again, and Dawn has changed into a warmer sweater for their big night on the town. Poor Dawn. She finally thinks she’s getting some attention, and all Willow can think about is getting high (on magic, of course).
Hence, Dawn is promptly deposited in Rack’s waiting room so Willow can get hi-i-iiiigh. Note the “no smoking” sign on the wall, as well as the giant ashtray full of cigarette butts on the coffee table. (Do drug dens generally have waiting rooms?)
I do find it quite charming that Rack leaves copies of National Geographic lying around for his clients to read. That’s very thoughtful of him.
Just in case the hilariousness of Willow’s webbed sleeve escaped you in the fridge picture, here’s a scene from one of Willow’s magic hallucinations. As you can plainly see here, she is reaching for the stars. Incidentally, the fates (?) are oohing a creepy song in the background. This only makes me laugh harder.
But then she hallucinates this, which is really weird and would perhaps be better suited as a Dio album cover.
(Seriously, why would any magical high be worth this?)
Buffy is worried about Dawn, who is missing. She recruits Spike, who is lying in bed naked and feels certain that she has come for the nookie. It occurs to me that most of Spike’s clothing up for critique is, well, nudity. Nudity and silver chains.
Buffy is wearing a leather jacket and that silver Y necklace that she becomes so fond of in season 6. Is it supposed to be some sort of S&M metaphor? Like a leash or something?
Stoner Willow is my favorite Alternate Willow that I’ve encountered thus far in my Buffy Fashion Roulette adventure. Vamp Willow and Evil Willow cannot hold a candle to Stoner Willow once she’s spent a few hours floating around on the ceiling of Rack’s magical crack den. She starts out by pushing Dawn’s buttons and pretty much calling her a loser. Fun!
Spike has put on his non-naked uniform and has joined Buffy in searching the streets for Dawn (and Willow). ‘Cept they aren’t so much searching as they are processing about their feelings. Barf.
Willow and Dawn encounter the scary Dio Demon that Willow magically conjured, and Willow mouths off to it. Hilarious!
Willow starts ‘drunk driving’ and she yells out, “take that, scuzz!” Only a stoner would say something that weird. Amazingly, she isn’t even steering with her hands. Dawn is terrified and screaming.
Then, as drunk drivers (even drivers who are drunk on magic) are prone to doing, Willow crashes the car. Dawn’s arm is broken and she’s almost devoured by the Dio Demon. Buffy saves the day, of course, and she and Spike look on with no reaction as Dawn uses her good arm to smack the ever lovin’ crap out of Willow.
As you can see from this photo, Willow loves to shower after her magical LSD adventures. She and Buffy have a heart to heart. Willow reveals her dependency on magic, and explains her insecurities. Magic makes her feel special. “Who was I? Just some girl.” Indeed, Willow. You were a girl in a crazy birthday cake shirt. A girl in a school uniform-style jumper that reveals ‘the softer side of Sears.’ A girl with the best sneaker collection this side of the hellmouth. And we loved you for it. Magical rehab, Willow. Hurry, before you end up like Lord Voldemort.
Later, Willow experiences serious withdrawals after two days of Rack Magic. Dang. Them’s some downright powerful magicks!
Aaaand Buffy strings up garlic all over her room in an attempt to keep Spike from coming in. He never drops by, which is beside the point; as soon as he knocked on her window she’d just yell at him, then throw all the garlic in the closet and invite him in.
Thus ends the after school special. Vote below!
And if you don’t mind, I have an additional poll. It’d be helpful if you could answer that one as well.